I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
