I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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