sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
