Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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