I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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