Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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