There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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