I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
