just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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