Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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