I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
