Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
