I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
