apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
