I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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