I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
