Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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