The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Sponge bath it is.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize