I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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