yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
