I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
