bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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