Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
