so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
