I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
