Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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