My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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