She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
