Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
