I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize