I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
