How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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