It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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