He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just had sex on a roof
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize