My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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