He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
