Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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