Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
