This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
