: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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