I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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