I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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