she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
