Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
