No awkward lesbian experiences without me
People in love make me want to vomit
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
