Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
