1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
