Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
