Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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