seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize