Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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