i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
