I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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