3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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