i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
