She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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