Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
